How I Got Out of the Dark Hole of Depression and Anxiety

As I sit here, writing my first blog ever, I'm realizing I have no idea where to start so I thought I might as well give a little back story, right? I have to say, this won't exactly be a feel good story, it's a sad one, but SPOILER ALERT! It gets better. I'm not looking for a pity party here just to share where I'm coming from so as you follow my journey, you know where I started. Maybe someone can relate.

So let's rewind to March 7, 2018. That was the day my world came crashing down. I lost someone who meant the world to me, someone who I'd been in love with for over 19 years. I'm sure you're thinking...."Brittany...19 years?! You look too young for that!". Yeah, that's because our story started when we were just seven years old drawing hearts on each other's desk name tags in class. We grew up together and he was the person I imagined spending my life with, although things between us were complicated in our adult lives. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, but when I got the call that he was gone, I plummeted into a deep, dark place. Darker than I imagined possible. When I lost him, I lost myself. That may sound dramatic to someone who has never been in my shoes but I can tell you that if you had been around me during that time, you'd know that I was only a shell of who I'd once been. The only things I felt were hopeless, sad, and numb. This went on for a while. My days consisted of sleeping, crying, staring into space and severe panic attacks. After several months of this, I realized that I had to find a way to choose to live the life that he wasn't going to get to and forced myself into therapy. Therapy was a long and, honestly, PAINFUL process. I had to work through grief, PTSD (which I was diagnosed with in therapy), and so many other things that I didn't even realize ever effected me. The initial "mind dumping" phase of trying to get everything out took 16 sessions, and this only included the things I was aware of. My therapist would constantly remind me that when stuff is in my head, it controls me, but when I get it out (whether that's on paper, verbally, etc.) I can control it. The first thing I tackled was the grief of losing the love of my life. He was intertwined in all the major milestones and memories throughout my life, good and bad. It took me a long time to work through all of it and finally accept it. Once I had finally accepted it, I could move forward to working on all the other things. I learned how to cope with and process my depression, anxiety and just emotions and the things life throws at me, how to set boundaries and maintain healthy relationships of all kinds, and how to finally start to love myself for the first time among other things.

Through the process I found healing, hope, love, and growth and realized I'm becoming a new person, the person I'm meant to be. I'm becoming Brittany. I'm so incredibly proud of myself for how far I've come. I know that the person I used to be will always be a part of me, but she's gone and she's never coming back. I'm ready to take everything I've learned to the next level and become the best version of myself in every way...physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually, and in my career. Who's ready to join me on this journey?!