How I Learned to Set Boundaries

It's important to mention that I not a health care or medical professional in any sense of the word, however, I AM a professional in living life with absolutely no boundaries and being a doormat to everyone around me. Well, former professional. I no longer live my life that way which is why I'm here to share what I learned. When I tell you setting boundaries is life changing, that is an understatement but you know what else it is? HARD. Setting boundaries is hard, but only for a little while. Once you get the hang of it, it gets progressively easier.

If you've never been in therapy, first of all you probably should go because in my opinion literally everyone can benefit from therapy, and second of all you may not even know what I mean by setting boundaries so let me explain. "You teach people how to treat you by accepting the treatment". I'm not even sure where I heard that quote but it's accurate. Boundaries are the spoken or unspoken rules you set for how you will allow people in your life in any capacity to treat you. They may be different depending on that person's role in your life, but you should have boundaries with everyone. You should expect people to treat you with respect, you should expect people to be kind to you, you should expect people to communicate with you when they need to change or cancel plans, etc. Those are bare minimum boundaries and you should expect more than the bare minimum from people who you allow to have access to you..and that, my friend, is how you should respond to those who do not respect your boundaries. You don't give them access to you.

For example, let's say that you set a boundary with your friend that even when the two of you disagree about something, you need her to still speak to you in a respectful way not lash out of anger and the next time you have a disagreement, she raises her voice at you and lashes out. In my opinion, the best way to handle that and uphold your boundary would be to calmly and respectfully say to her "Listen, I know last time this happened we talked about how it's important to me that we still speak to each other in a respectful tone and you haven't honored that so I need to take some space." You don't give her access to you until she can respect the boundary you set. The reason for this is because if you allow someone to cross your boundaries after setting them, they're never going to respect them or take them seriously. I actually experienced something very similar to that example with a close friend of mine. One night I went to pick her up because she was drunk, upset, and needed a friend. On the drive home she proceeded to take her anger out on me and say some awful things to me. I stopped her. When we got home she went to bed and in the morning I sat her down to let her know that it wasn't okay and that I needed to take some space. She later apologized and has never crossed that boundary again.

One of the most difficult parts of starting to set boundaries with people in your life, especially when you never have, is realizing and accepting that the way they react to it IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You should not lower or change your expectations to accommodate someone's feelings. You are not wrong for setting boundaries, for setting expectations for how people will treat you in order to have access to you. Yes, it may hurt your mom's feelings when you tell her that she can't call you five times a day when you're at work because she's bored but her reaction and hurt feelings are not your responsibility. I can assure you she will get over it and when she's not emotional, she should understand why that's not appropriate. It's going to evoke a reaction because you've never set that boundary before and have allowed her to disrupt your work regardless of the fact that it's frowned upon to take personal calls at work.

When I started learning that I needed to set boundaries to prioritize my own needs, happiness and peace it was very difficult for me because, I didn't know this at the time (shoutout to my therapist!), I learned throughout my life that the way to show love was the put people's wants, needs, and feelings above my own even to my own detriment. I learned that I needed to bend over backwards for the people I love no matter how it effected me. It's something I had watched generations of women in my family do. So not only did I have to break the habits I had learned growing up, but I had to set boundaries with people who had never set boundaries for themselves or had others around them set boundaries which meant they didn't take it well. It was a challenge to say the least and not taking responsibility for their reactions to my boundaries was an even bigger challenge, but as time passed I started to realize that setting and upholding boundaries allowed me to have better and stronger relationships with the people I love and I can promise you it will do the same for you!

If you find it hard like I did, start small. Maybe set a boundary with your friend or your boyfriend that they can't call you just to chat at 2 am because you work and you have to get a good night's sleep to perform well or maybe set one with someone that you can't always be the one to pick up the tab at dinner just because they assume you have a better paying job. I found it easiest to start small and start with my friends and work my way up to family. Only you can determine where you can start, but just start!

You got this girl! Your life and relationships will be better for it. What's the first boundary you're going to set?